I haven't spoken much lately on D and any new adoption revelations. So ... :)
Let me start by saying this: just because I am raising a black son, doesn't mean I know how to parent and address hard questions of race and diversity and trans-racial families. I am learning too. I am white. I don't know what it is like to be black in this world. I don't know what D will feel being in a white family as he gets older. I don't have an inside scoop into any of these things. i just have my perspective and how I feel as D's mother, and
i've only been at this a little over a year.
I have had a *few* strange comments in the past few months. You'll notice that you can no longer post 'anonymous' comments on my blog. That's because two not-so-nice, cowardly people chose to anonymously comment with some negative adoption links and statements. When it happened I really was not that upset ... just more
flabbergasted by how lame a tiny, tiny percent of the population can be. (these people are probably the ones that leave mean notes on other's cars too!)
Another thing that happened is an odd conversation just a few weeks ago with a friend, I will call her Ruth. Ruth was introducing me to her brother, Peter.
Ruth (to me): This is my brother Peter. Peter is married and sells
missile defense systems to third world countries.
Me: WOW! Peter, so nice to meet you!
Ruth (to Peter): This is my friend Karen. Karen is married. She has three kids and one of them is black.
Peter: WOW! Karen, so nice to meet you!
I told my friend that she was very strange just then, and she offered, "i was trying to share the most interesting things about you and Peter, and it just came out." I frowned. First, I am EXTRAORDINARILY interesting!! Good heavens. You want a dynamic, engaging, mysterious, INTERESTING person, I AM such a girl. :) and it has nothing to do with my black son.
LOL!
But see, this is where I have to extend some grace, because, rather than be offended by how it came out, what Ruth was really saying is, "I think it's cool you adopted from Ethiopia." That's what she meant, I know it. Not that she's studying the color of my son's skin, or that I am uninteresting apart from D's adoption. I can imagine, because Ruth is someone I know semi-well, what she meant.
I know *some* people might be thinking things about race when they see our family, or see me with D. And instead of pretending it is not there or avoiding mention of it for fear of how it might sound, I want to keep it out in the open. My son has chocolate brown skin, and that is a part of him, but it is certainly not what defines him.
When Ruth singled out my son's blackness, what I felt seconds later was how quickly she had identified him only by the color of his skin. That was the unique thing about me (that I have a black son) and the unique thing about D (that he is black), and it was all compared to selling
missile defense systems to impoverished countries. And it occurred to me how
prevalent my son's skin color was to her. Throughout D's life, i expect, there will be times when the color of his skin is going to be the first thing other's see--whatever they might think of it. It makes me sad. It DOES give him a hurdle to overcome.
Of COURSE i have somewhat set D up for this. This is something you don't really think about (as much) going into international adoption. D IS the only one that looks different in our family. He is the only one who came to our family through adoption. And his personality is also rather different from the rest of the family. Of COURSE he stands out. I am extremely sensitive to D feeling excluded in our family, and to our overcompensating or perceiving that he might feel excluded. You don't want to draw too much attention to his skin color and his adoption, but you don't want to give too little attention either. yet, he's not white, and we do live in a world where *some* people still judge and label and lump and discriminate because of race.
I really appreciated a good friend of mine from growing up ... a while back when we were talking she asked me about D and she said something like, "So, I want to ask you about something, and I don't know how to ask it, but how do you feel about his being black? is that what you call him? i don't want to say the wrong thing." I just loved it!! So candid and real. I don't want to tip-toe around his race, because that is a part of D! I call him my son. As far as his race, he is Ethiopian. And yes, his skin is black. BUT, please, don't introduce him as 'the black one.' est no
bueno. He is MORE than that, just like you don't want to be 'the fat one,' 'the middle child,' 'the dumb one,' 'the accident mom and dad didn't plan for,' etc.
